i’ve been in the middle of this blog about the natural high i’ve been on.
how euphoric life has begun to get as i head into our second trimester.

but before i could finish that entry, i had to interrupt myself because this afternoon i can’t stop bawling. we all know how emotional i am as it is. everyone is asking how bad the hormones have been because they know i ALREADY cried everyday!

so here i am once again telling myself that i won’t let things get to me. i won’t cry. i’ll be me and live strong to my word and feelings. i fucking cry every time.
family dramas, chats with mom & sister, and now dealing with my boss’ outbursts that’s got me muttering about calling my boyfriend in complete hysteria because i hate my job.

i’ve seen him turn on people a lot through our long work history together. and i’ve always tried to be in the middle and see both sides. i’ve always stood up for him because “i know him”, “oh we love him”, “that’s just his way”. but boy, when you’re on the other end of having things turn so abruptly it can really be painful. for me, anyway.

Jen is helping me realize that he is NOT a man of his word, but rather a man of his MOOD.
think about THAT for a minute.
it’s so interesting to me.

it’s amazing this concept of creating illusions to be your reality. from spoiled kids who have lived in a bubble their entire life with no concept of the real world to a man with a good heart but serious emotional & psychological issues to work out while he runs a business in the most high stress, high money making industries – people can live in their own illusions while the rest of the world looks at them like they’re crazy. some live it day in, day out. this guy has moments. run by his mOOd.
i’ve always tried to look past it and take the person for who they are. but he, by being a man of his MOOD, reacts on feelings and projects his feelings in a strange & obscure attack on ME or whoever the person is at that moment.
in the ten years of my career, he has been the most difficult to deal with. you would think someone who has watched you grow in your career, has built up a relationship with you (personal & professional) would be the person to treat you with the most respect. but instead, i’ve gotten treated better by supervisors i’m working for for the VERY FIRST TIME.

i’m really venting right now. feeding my own emotions out there. at least i don’t project them at a person. i may be overreacting but today i was accused of using him and of not being loyal. that probably hurt the most because if you knew what his ammo was, you’d see how unfair it is.

Jen has been great to shoot this shit with. there’s not too many people out there that I KNOW who’ve known this guy for such a long time but also understand this business and its ways.
it’s a crazy crazy place i chose to live in 10 years ago; but it seems it’s hard to live anywhere else. maybe the PRoS outweigh the COns. it sure is nutty when at the same time i’m dying to be Domesticated to no end with a baby on the way. I thought today that I’d rather be broke and home baking apple pies with all these fucking apples i picked on sunday then to swallow all this shit for a big fat paycheck afterwards.

i have to wonder, though – could it be that i’ve always been dying to be Domesticated just because it’s the greener grass on the other side of the fence?

how do we figure stuff like that out before taking the plunge?

[siGh]