today tops them all on the emotional level.
after three weeks of getting to know one another, my angel acted different.
the last couple of days have been pretty heavy.
there’s been crying and wailing like i haven’t seen before.
poor thing, her lips quiver when she cries hard.
surely not cries of hunger (i’m getting to know those well)

we went to the doctor today and i realized something big for mothers.
if something is hard on your child, it is one hundred times harder on the mother.
the unusual crying already had me in tears, mind you, starting with last night.
i got very sensitive and would cry whenever she’d wail out and i didn’t know why.
(if you think you’ve seen me cry, man!)

back to the doctor’s–
because there was what looked like an infection, doctor says she wants to check her blood count.
the nurse came in to draw blood!!! boy, did my baby girl dislike this.
considering she was already cranky, the way she screamed while they took the blood from her fat toe nearly tore me to shreds.
it broke my heart into pieces.
the nurse passed me a box of tissues.

again, i cannot explain the feelings that run through me–
but to know she’s in pain or discomfort, to hear her cries, and to ESPECIALLY not be able to take it away immediately is one of the WORST feelings i’ve ever felt.

when i stop, i’m reminded of it and i cry again….
we got back, i put her down, and kept busy quickly eating a PB&J,
washing the dishes,
straightening up, pumping out a bottle for her next feed,
activating my new ATM card,
checking in on her constantly, of course!
call the doctor with “one more question” — and no matter what –
each time i stopped, i felt it again and let the tears fall. crazy.

one thing i CAN tell is that this probably stays with you as a mother.
i will always feel her pain. i will always want to take it away. i will always wish her pain on me instead of her.
motherhood is overwhelming.

like yesterday, after three weeks of twenty four seven bonding, i left her with my Bobe and went to my doctor’s alone. i didn’t really think about it as it was happening but as soon as i sat down to wait at the doctor’s office, i wanted to break down and cry! it felt so odd to be alone – i missed her so much! i couldn’t wait to get out of there so i could go see my little Lucy. i had even thought i would stop by a shop on the way back – yea, NO! i drove straight past everything, did not pass GO, did not collect two hundred dollars…NADA.
i later heard that THAT doesn’t go away either. that no matter how old your children are, you’ll wonder about them, you’ll always feel them when they’re not with you….
I BELIEVE IT.

THIS IS FOREVER.