tuesday february 3rd
8:59pm
TOUGH TOUGH LOVE

as previously mentioned, my recent booking has been delayed by six weeks. i began to search for temporary work to hopefully fill in some of the time and make some money while easing my angel into days without her mami. as my life seems to always want to have it, nothing gets “eased into” anything. i have been offered a short lived position in new orleans filling in for someone with a type of family emergency. the time is no more than ten days and i take a good chunk of change to the piggy bank; enough perhaps to keep me calm before the next gig begins.

i have been considering many scenarios in regard to my precious munchkin.
i was sure i would just bring her along with a “nanny” and pay for all the extra travel expenses BUT what a great idea to just swing by new jersey and drop her off with her papi…
as i slow down and start to really process what’s best for not just AN infant, but MY infant, the pain that accompanied the separation anxiety was incredible.

i feel it is better not to put her another plane ride just as she has settled in after her last one.
i know that any dime we can put away right now is crucial.
i realize that what might be best is for me to leave her behind in tender, trustworthy hands while i work. through my tears as i sit alone in the dark listening to her breathe in her sleep, i tell myself i should write about this pain as it feels so unbearable – but as i sit here holding back more tears, i cannot even explain how awful it feels.

i imagine her crying just because she’s wondering where i am and she cannot seem to comprehend the answer. or she is crying because something has upset her but the fact that i am not the one coming to comfort makes her even more upset.

for eleven months my daughter has woken up and fallen asleep with me. she has not gone a whole day or night without me. she is only just experiencing not having her papi around for more than ten days. i know many may criticize that i have not left her yet but i suppose i chose to take advantage for as long as i can. it is my wish as a mother to always be the full time caregiver to my child(ren).

i am sure it is a big step in many a mother’s life. i am sure i will come out of it okay and so will lucy.
but it is surely crazy to me that just the thought of our first real big separation got me crying so hard that i avoid imagining what it will be like the moment it is actually happening.

we are so very attached. and through all the anxiety and tears, i find it truly beautiful and feel so fortunate to feel the emotions that i do. to experience motherhood and all it’s greatness.

it
is
so
big