I cannot believe it has been six months since I have written. It is always hard to jump back in after a long time. It could explain a lot of my emotional outbursts over the last six months. It definitely seems that when I am expressing myself in writing (or dancing) my emotional body is calm. Perhaps I could keep my composure more if the countless emotions that are constantly roaming through me were expressed and not bottled up for too long. I also find it entertaining to write. Nonetheless, as I find myself in a quiet apartment with my thoughts, I find myself lonely and sad. It turns out this might not have been writer’s block at all! Just not finding (or taking) the time to sit and write; because there are certainly thoughts! I most certainly have been a lot. Now I know, if I say I have writer’s block – I’m just being lazy!

Yes, Los Angeles has to be the loneliest city I have come across. A friend of mine once said that the difference is that “say you’re alone in NYC, you FEEL NYC all around you. If you’re alone in LA, you don’t feel anything!” On this last course I have set here in LA, I have to say I am constantly remembering those words of hers. I really feel nothing. I feel the helicopter that is always circling – what ARE they looking for? I do not feel cold weather but so many moments just feel cold. I have wonderful friends that I feel. They are just far away friends even though we live in the same city. Big city. I really is far if one of you is on the west side and the other in Los Feliz (am I right, Jess?). The driving and getting around out here is too exhausting to even write about.
Friends (even your siblings) will definitely carry on with their lives separately when you are no longer in the same lifestyle as they are. There is surely no changing of YOUR life to incorporate ME into it as I now live a completely different one. They will still party until dawn the night before you have early plans, they will simply forget plans or invites you made but still consider you a best friend. But our friends will do that in any city though, right? It just so happens that out of everyone of my friends out here, NO ONE is married or a parent. It’s not the city, it’s who you are with and what you make of it. I realize that. I continue to try to make a life for my family here. I look for nearby temples with nurseries. I make more plans with our new friends that do have a family. I seek and build community.

The truth is that everything we need to make ourselves happy is within our own soul. As I carry my second child in my womb, I find if there was ever a time for me to stay healthy and happy – now would be a great time! Within me is everything I need. I can complain and whine about what others do or do not do – and in reality, it has nothing to do with anyone else, and everything to do with me. I have the strength and the love. I will not let myself stay depressed nor will I spread that kind of energy to my family.

Baruch Hashem for self awareness!