“i fell in love with you the first time i looked into…them there eyes…”

But after that you would remain a face to the fantasy in my mind.  It was safer that way.  I couldn’t get disappointed or heart broken.  I could keep my vulnerabilities to myself.  I could keep making up everything you say to me.  I could keep telling myself that my beshert is probably on the opposite end of the globe.  Because that’s how backwards my life has been.  Besides, I’ve always felt I was destined to walk alone.

If you don’t know what you’re missing, it is easy to keep your heart safe, be happy for others, and always wonder.  I do.  I wonder.  I am not particularly jealous.  But sometimes I’ll watch a family eating together at synagogue and I will stare and wonder.  I just wonder what it’s like.  When someone tells me she is pregnant again, I wonder what it’s like to announce that happily with someone.  Wondering has been okay.  It’s okay because when I snap out of it, I am still happy and grateful for all the blessings in my life.  After all, who could take away my quiet nights by the fire writing or reading?  My hikes with the dog?  Uninterrupted movie time. Being a mother.

Your face can.

My day dreams about what it could be like can definitely distract me.

Your anonymous face, however, kept my daydreams safe and my heart romantic.  Again, if you don’t what you’re missing, right?  Life doesn’t hurt.  I don’t get sad or lonely.

You have ruined that by entering into my life.  Now I know I’ve come across something I may actually want.  Now I have something to yearn.  Memories to cherish.

Thanks.