the next time someone asks me “how do you do it”, I’m going to say I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE! that’s how! so don’t ask!

Granted, I know people mean good by it.  I get it a lot from people raising kids with a partner as in, “I can barely do it and I’m married! I can’t imagine doing it alone.”  Because it IS hard for couples, too.  The work, the stress, the exhaustion, the blowups, the crying, the lack of funds, the house, the pet, the car, the science project, the birthday party, ALL OF IT.  I know folks are trying to compliment me for all that I do.  Just not that much of a point in pointing it out, is there? I always just smile and say nothing.

Honestly though, I have no choice.  There’s things you just HAVE to do.  How do you cook 3 meals a day? I stay up late cooking and prepping because my children HAVE to eat. So I cook and prep. It’s pretty simple.  Would I rather crash in bed? Yes. I suppose I could pick up takeout every day but I’ve made a decision not to do that. Not only for health reasons and my Kosher pain in the ass BUT it gets expensive going out. Shit adds up.  I have to do laundry, while one is in the bath, and tomorrow’s dinner is cooking while tonight’s is heating up. I have to.  We need clean clothes.  We need baths. I HAVE to go to work everyday because I need money.  I’ve got to get them up and to school on time (semi) because I don’t want delinquents for kids.

It’s not a question of HOW.  Look, I’ve battled with smoking practically my entire life. But when I’m pregnant I just stop. Somehow it’s easy because there’s isn’t an alternative (for me).  I just do it. I don’t smoke weed while I’m nursing (again, for me) Same concept. There’s no alternative.  I have to take the dog out because otherwise she’ll shit in the house; adding more work to my load.  What else can I do?

The other day, I forgot a backpack. Besides getting everyone dressed and fed in the morning, I have to remember a lunchbox, a backpack, my lunch, my work computer, my wallet, & 2 cell phones. My kid hung her head down when I realized I forgot the backpack and nearly cried (she’s the sensitive one); and I couldn’t be mad at her! Because, poor thing, how is she supposed to remember everything?  I’m the one that’s rushing her around all morning telling her to brush her hair, telling her to get her shoes, drink her juice, finish your breakfast, brush your teeth, get in the car…SO YEA – I put on a smile, & my sweetest voice: “no big deal!” “it’s cool, i’ll go get it for you” Drove back home and back and was late for work.  What can I do?

Stop asking me! Again, I know folks mean well and maybe I’m just grumpy and utterly beat up today.  Had a good cry, that should help some.  No major meltdown or panic phone calls to anyone.  But rather, a put-both-hands-down-on-the-counter, close your eyes, take a deep breath and just/let/it/out kind of cry.  I take a few minutes while no one is watching and then move on.  Usually helps.  Thank everything holy that I have a handle on my emotional self.  I will deal. But man, the shit people ask or say to me sometimes is great for a RANT!

Recently: “you shouldn’t take medication for anxiety every day because you could get dependent on it” well, fuck you. fuck you with your calm, calm demeanor; and you with your CALM, CALM super rich husbands with your yoga classes every day and 10mile jogs in the morning. Because I’m not calm like you, I don’t have any spare time and I need that fucking pill. Besides, I’d never get addicted to anything. We’ve all seen me stop anything in the blink of an eye if I had to. But I don’t have to stop so I’ll be taking whatever medication gives me calm especially during a good, old fashioned anxiety attack!

And people wonder why I’m always late. Or running around manic like a chicken with its head cut off. Do chickens run around when their heads are cut off? why do we even say that? People actually give me shit for being LATE.

I HAVE to do what I do. Trust me, if I didn’t have to go to work, I wouldn’t go to work. Hell yea, I’d be way more mellow in the morning. I’d totally get them there on time. I’d TOTALLY take them to ballet classes, and soccer, and ALL the extracurricular activities they want to do and learn.  If i had off on Fridays, I would LOVE to make my challah in the morning. Instead of staying up until 2AM Thursday nights baking challah for Shabbat.

People even give shit about praying. Listen, if i could daven while I drive, I would. “How do you find the time?”, “Why do you pray?” “How do you find time to pray night and day? Why WOULDN’T I try and make time to daven in the morning and at night? What other moment in my days and nights do you see me taking the time to STOP and check myself? Check how i’m doing, how i’m feeling. what’s wrong? what’s good? I need the stop.  I don’t have time to do a little yoga beforehand like I used to but hey, we do what we can, right?

On the flip side, it IS true, that sometimes I might put a little extra pressure on myself that isn’t necessary. I probably don’t need to. But with it all, I still always feel i don’t do enough. I am trying really hard to change our schedule some. If I could to get the girls to sleep earlier, then we’d get up earlier in the morning, not rush so much, they need that sleep … it’s good for them … they’re children.  So I beat myself up a lot; I could go easier on me.

And no, I DON’T have to stay up until 4am 3 days in a row after work, making some crazy colossus cake & hanging streamers up on birthdays.  But I get to do something creative for once. And that’s fun! PLUS I get to see their faces when they wake up and see streamers all over the place.  That face when you put the cake in front of their face with candles. It’s different when your mom made it FOR YOU. No, I don’t HAVE TO  invite people over for shabbat dinner and give myself that extra pressure of getting a warm cooked delicious meal done before the sun goes down.  But it feels amazing when people come and sit at your shabbat table and enjoy your food and tell you how delicious your challah is. It feels good, dammit.

What’s my other option? I don’t have one.  Breaking down and whining about it is not an option for me.  Besides, it wouldn’t change anything, anyway. That laundry pile would still be there needing to be done.

Rant done. Good night.