the last time i wrote about the high holidays, it was with such negativity, i thought i would balance that out with a positive entry about this year’s holidays.
finally, after some time of searching, i had a very enjoyable; very peaceful holiday experience.
it seems that i have been constantly trying to “return” and find my place among a jewish community for quite some time. lately, the spirituality has been taken out of everything because i couldn’t “afford” to attend services or didn’t have money to pay dues. this would always lead me to a rant about how modern society has commercialized religion into a money-making scheme and ‘argh argh argh!’
this year, we finally move into the small town outside the city i was looking for which, of course has a shul and small jewish community. i start attending family events, meeting members, rabbi, sweet female cantor, and executive directors…i am told that i can attend anything i want, that i may take all the time i need to see if this is something i want to be a part of – to feel RIGHT.
so i do.
and come rosh hashanah, i was ready for a spiritual new year. i was ready to spend some time inside of myself and find some peace. i was ready to pray for my sins and those of others. to confront errors i have made and find ways to be more whole. to do better. i was definitely ready to sit in shul, listen to the song of the most soulful cantor i have ever heard and just cry. let the tears roll in joy and in pain. to let the tears roll down my face in honor of life. in honor of those no longer with us, in honor of my children, myself, and my family.
when else will i do that, if not sitting in temple with others who are trying to do the same? i don’t know about everyone else sitting in that temple, but i know i get very distracted in the daily doings that i barely take a moment to say a prayer before going to sleep. i barely take a moment to sit down and simply take some deep breaths in quiet meditation. things that do nothing but good for me.
i was sitting in services because THIS year when i asked “how much is it?” the response was “just come.”
“just come” – with no talk about dues memberships or fees. and that is all i wanted to do. just come.
as i come to peace with the fact that there are the ways of dues memberships and fees, i have to say that without that taking the spotlight from the holiday, i was able to fully engage. to fully immerse in the holidays and the spirituality that comes with it. i am so very thankful for the “just come” because my focus was right where it needed to be. i made my first brisket, baked some challah and chatted with the big guy QUITE a bit. he even threw me a curveball at services, and i met a troubled soul who made everything that much heavier.
i have to say that troubled souls are everywhere and anywhere you least expect it. a recovering alcoholic or struggling crackhead can be sitting right next to you at shul. she can be speed-dialing the rabbi when she has relapsed and used again. this, my friends, made it all so real.
yom kippur. when we talk about being good people. people that clothe the naked and feed the hungry. during a time when we give to charity and to the needy, i had needy right next to me. needing rides to services, trips to the supermarket and a friend to cry next to during kol nidre. when i first met her, i looked up at Gd and i said “really???”, shaking my head. and by the end of the holidays, at the end of my rejuvenation and spiritual comeback, when a troubled soul was on her way home to mom and dad — i heard him answer “really.”
aLLeYcAtz iNsiDes 