tuesday february 3rd
8:59pm
TOUGH TOUGH LOVE

as previously mentioned, my recent booking has been delayed by six weeks. i began to search for temporary work to hopefully fill in some of the time and make some money while easing my angel into days without her mami. as my life seems to always want to have it, nothing gets “eased into” anything. i have been offered a short lived position in new orleans filling in for someone with a type of family emergency. the time is no more than ten days and i take a good chunk of change to the piggy bank; enough perhaps to keep me calm before the next gig begins.

i have been considering many scenarios in regard to my precious munchkin.
i was sure i would just bring her along with a “nanny” and pay for all the extra travel expenses BUT what a great idea to just swing by new jersey and drop her off with her papi…
as i slow down and start to really process what’s best for not just AN infant, but MY infant, the pain that accompanied the separation anxiety was incredible.

i feel it is better not to put her another plane ride just as she has settled in after her last one.
i know that any dime we can put away right now is crucial.
i realize that what might be best is for me to leave her behind in tender, trustworthy hands while i work. through my tears as i sit alone in the dark listening to her breathe in her sleep, i tell myself i should write about this pain as it feels so unbearable – but as i sit here holding back more tears, i cannot even explain how awful it feels.

i imagine her crying just because she’s wondering where i am and she cannot seem to comprehend the answer. or she is crying because something has upset her but the fact that i am not the one coming to comfort makes her even more upset.

for eleven months my daughter has woken up and fallen asleep with me. she has not gone a whole day or night without me. she is only just experiencing not having her papi around for more than ten days. i know many may criticize that i have not left her yet but i suppose i chose to take advantage for as long as i can. it is my wish as a mother to always be the full time caregiver to my child(ren).

i am sure it is a big step in many a mother’s life. i am sure i will come out of it okay and so will lucy.
but it is surely crazy to me that just the thought of our first real big separation got me crying so hard that i avoid imagining what it will be like the moment it is actually happening.

we are so very attached. and through all the anxiety and tears, i find it truly beautiful and feel so fortunate to feel the emotions that i do. to experience motherhood and all it’s greatness.

it
is
so
big

let these entries serve as a portal into the daily life of a recently married woman currently living three thousand miles away from her husband with their nearly one year old daughter in hopes of creating a fulfilling and happy environment for her family to create longlasting memories in…

let the record show that our current living situation leaves me feeling somewhat uncomfortable in a non-judgemental, very subtle way so that i find myself wondering if i should reconsider our structure before we move forward. perhaps the recent delay in my professional life should serve as time for reconstruction.

let this journal also show that at this moment i am strongly picking up that without my strength, my family will not make it. i realize that i am holding us up in this difficult but necessary transitional place that we’ve placed ourselves in purposely for the end result is much desired.

what a difference it makes to configure a wireless router into your home.
to be able to grab your ibook and lay in bed or on the couch.
makes blogging so much more accessible.

i will no longer go eight weeks with no entry 🙂

first off, my child is six months already and continues to be perfect.

it really is easy to criticize, isn’t it? being the subject of criticism lately, i’ve noticed how easy it is for people to point the finger and judge; without giving a thought or empathy for the person they are pointing at.

…i had so much to say on the subject; about how i will be more conscience about judging others and be aware of my self because i have seen such ugliness. last week i suppose i was hurting and really needed to go on a rant about it. however i took the day off recently to be with two very special people. i received incredibly powerful Healings & energy plus my baby girl was deemed –
HAPPIEST BABY IN THE WORLD. the truth in that is so beautiful.

the healing was so moving that i felt one hundred pounds lighter for a few days and continue to feel peaceful and free. i feel i have stopped trying to be myself and i just AM myself. i don’t have to find myself and remember who i am then stay frikkin conscience of who i am and ON AND ON AND ON! i’m just myself. i am being me and it feels great.

i was told that that which had been removed from inside me, was pretty nasty. i was even apologized to for having it. it had been damaging my self esteem which could be why i feel so free now. i had tried really hard not to let it all get to me but i am so very sensitive that it was impossible not to become uncomfortable and uneasy. but now that it’s gone, and now that i realize that everyone i love and respect has shown nothing but support, i just don’t care who judges.

i am a great mommy, i have a great family and am surrounded by love and positivity. oh, and i am a really great person to know and be friends with! i ask Gd to bless all those positive in my life. i thank the universe for all of you. those who choose to be angry and judgmental, you can, by all means, continue on that path if that’s what makes you happy – i can only ask for everyone’s happiness, after all.

i don’t even want to exert any more energy on the matter but i will end with this…

Not only does it seem that some of you have nothing better to do than talk shit about what other people you claim to love are doing,
and not only does that make you feel better about yourself somehow —

but it has always amazed me how people can get so worked up over what you’re NOT doing; that they completely miss what you ARE doing. they don’t even notice. they don’t care.

lately i’ve been getting back in touch with some old friends.
awesome pals moving in across the street…
getting googled by a high school pal…
personally tracking down folks i want to check in on…

we get so excited when we first get in touch
catlike-reflex on the reply…bam bam!

constant replies, funny recaps on life, lots of love – of course.
it’s so funny because after like the first week, that excitement seems to die.

what happened to my new old buddies?
clearly there’s an excitement to relighting a fire you haven’t felt in a long time where you want to know EVERYTHING and you SWEAR you’re going to be bestest of friends again. *shrug* and then, i suppose we just go back to our regular lives…~~le sigh~~

in my dreamworld, i wake up on mornings like today,
and immediately call my mom, i tell her i’ve woken up with the worst period ever.
she comes over without a moment to spare.
she fixes me some chammomile tea with honey & a bottle for the baby.

i get to go to bed and sleep through the cramps while she
gives lulu a bottle and puts her down for a nap,
she feeds her cereal when she wakes up and changes her clothes.
then they go to the park for a walk in the stroller.
all the while i sleep until afternoon and feel much better.

but actually what happened was that i had a bowl of cereal,
popped a percoset for the awful pain and nursed lulu.
then i made her bottle and put her down for a nap.
i passed out due to the percoset, i’m sure.
unfortunately we barely slept an hour and i woke up incredibly nauseous
i thought i’d puke all over her while i fed her cereal.
i was so dizzy i constantly stopped to grasp my balance.

through my nerves i got a bit scared and called a friend.
she brought me over a bagel to see if the sustenance would ease my belly
it helped for about an hour and then the nausea came back while i was trying to explain the game Clue to her nine year old son who stayed with me so she could get to work on time.
luckily when his father came for him i was able to hitch a ride to the diner for some chicken soup.
i’ve been better ever since, probably just needed more food and some laughs. as usual.

thank goodness for friendly neighbors.
although my baby girl did have her first fall today.

i forget to be careful with my opinions on parenting styles.
i really think i should just keep my mouth shut about it. i read the other day that differences in parenting styles can totally split up friendships. i suppose that makes sense because it is so personal.
i guess i never realized it. especially since my opinions about the issue are very new. they’re barely four months old, probably more like one month!

everyone has their opinion and their style. even folks without children have their opinion. (that was once me, too) but if the we’re not careful in our tones and what we say to each other, we can almost offend. it works both ways, i get it. i totally take things personally, especially as a new mom. ESPECIALLY since most opinions and pieces of advice from everyone are almost always contrary to my own beliefs. so i get it, which is why i think i should keep my mouth shut about it as much as i can. nod my head and thank you for the advice. i never thought our style would feel like a new age style in parenting. is it such a new idea to not want to sit and listen to your own child “cry it out” as if there were no other choice in this world? is it that new an idea to WANT attachment with your child?
how can you tell me i’m going to end up in therapy if i continue on my path? i’m four months a mother!

it brings me back to loneliness though, there’s like two other people besides my husband that i can freely talk about parenting and things i’m going through with that are with me. that understand what i’m trying to do here or how i feel as a mother. moms that feel like me and have well behaved, good, happy children that are NOT in therapy. it almost seems that whatever works for you can still create a yummy little child. some things are definitely left to personality i think. babies are certainly born a certain way too. also highly depends on the personality of the parents. craziness. craziness that i will continue to learn about for the rest of my life. how exciting, this is definitely the journey i want to be on!

in conclusion, if it’s tough for me to hear certain things, it must be for other mommies too, which is why i say shut up about it, girl. keep it to yourself and the three other people you can talk to about it. i’m going with what feels right and so far, it’s working out for us. we’re a happy family.

how dope is THAT.