i always forget that with my birthday comes a burst of new positive energy.
cancer time is the highest peak of my energy and i guess i go so low right before that i forget what’s coming. it’s a nice surprise.

so here i am, twenty nine years old and full of life. this summer baby is beaming.
i’ve gotten my strength back and am smiling hard. can you smile HARD? hm.

i find i am blogging less. i think it could be because i’ve been keeping a baby journal where i write to lulu about how i’m feeling towards our time together and the developmental steps she makes. when i have “writing time” i tend to pick up that notebook & pen quicker than the mac. it’s good journaling, but obviously directed at a very specific set of emotions. nonetheless, there’s plenty going on in my emotional body (as usual) which can be expressed here so i continue my attempt to blog more regularly.

welcoming new light with this new year now that saturn returned and is gone for another twenty eight years. welcoming old friends back into my life. some even moved in right across the street!
welcoming pen pals and new bff’s to have coffee talk with when we can’t afford pedicures.

good morning, thanks for the coffee, have a great day.

before i get to bitching.
here’s the latest and greatest, most precious picture of my angel.

let’s get to some real blogging. without censorship or pretty flowers painted over the true deep thoughts and emotions going on. that’s what we want to hear anyway, isn’t it? that’s where the poetry is, isn’t it? let’s express without giving a fuck who reads it, or who will see me not so strong at all. who? me? yea. i’m a wreck right now.

since this change of pace here during my twenty eighth year, i seem to have been moving with my eyes shut. shut to the intense emotional body that makes alleycat. so that when i open my eyes and i take a look at what’s going on inside. i let myself feel it all, i practically explode. it seems to be quite lonely out here in new jersey. i hate being here all the time. i hate not being close to my real people. it’s quite ironic, i left everything behind to start this new life, to be blessed with the light of my life that is my baby girl, a loving husband, and NO ONE close to share it with on a daily basis. now, believe me i thank gd everyday for everything i have. but now is not a moment i want to hear about how i need to thank gd for the family that IS around. THIS family is the one i left behind 10 years ago. this neighborhood and good food doesn’t KNOW me.

it sucks that all of my family that IS here, waits for ME to call. for ME stop by. i don’t have anyone on a daily basis that just stops by to see how things are going. that call to see how i’m feeling with all this NEWNESS going on. because no one here really knows how emotionally crazy this must be for me. they knew me as a kid. before i was able to drink legally and DID.
before i was sexually active and discovering how hot i am. before i broke hearts, had a meth phase, and found my favorite bong. before one of my bestest friends got ripped out of my life by death as i continue to hear his laugh in my head. this “family” of mine didn’t sit with me while i came down, or while i burst out from a broken heart or while i smiled endless smiles of a fulfilled life. so why would they sit with me now? how would they KNOW that i need someone to just sit with me right now. they just don’t know. and it’s not their fault. THEY JUST DON’T KNOW.

YOU JUST DON’T KNOW that i’m not as strong as i keep playing. this shit is real hard. and while i bash all of my people on the east coast, i do want to send a huge hug to my girls that ARE out here. i’m talking about the girls that shed tears when they walked into my hospital room and saw me holding my baby girl. those girls know.

but for the most part, everyone’s got their life going. i happen to be starting a new one out here. out here everyone tells me how lucky i am to have this man. well, fuck you for never mentioning to me how lucky HE is. because he is. because while you thank gd that i came home and finally settled down with a good man as if i been some delinquent living a life not worthy – out west, they say – what a lucky bastard THAT guy is, he must be something, cuz we all want alleycat back out here with US.

and this poor guy is my only outlet. and he takes a beating when i emotionally explode. i bet he didn’t know what he was signing up for. but i love him. he loves me too. and i suppose when all you have eachother, and you BARELY KNOW each other – you’re bound to have nights like tonight. where the dumbest thing makes a girl cry in the kitchen.

one little dumb thing, one lonely girl crying with her pot roast in the oven, one false move and the next thing i know, i am hysterical. crying that cry you think will last forever. and i mutter out sentence fragments and misdirected sadness with a baby girl nearby. WHAT THE FUCK?

and when i finally sit in the bathtub while the hot water fills it, it’s like i don’t know who that was before. and i can’t even face him as i walk out of the bathroom feeling serene at last. i pat his head as i walk by him, to the end of the hall, to the laptop, and this blog entry here.

i miss drinking white wine and spilling my guts out at Jen Brown’s. i miss Christopher’s way of making things make sense by knowing where the stars and planets are leaving me breathing that breath of fresh air after an emotional struggle. and how Eric was my bitch from jersey in the midst of all the plastic always keeping it real. do i need to mention that my AMAZING WONDERFUL PERFECT brother and sister were only a phone call away and dinner is being served. i miss laughing the way i that i did at Carmine’s ridiculous performances.

i just want to take a bong rip, close my eyes, open them – and it’s all here. here with me, my husband, and my beautiful baby girl.

i miss expressing myself deeply in ENGLISH.

who the hell?
what the hell?

i should get dressed and eat something.

old toxic forces tried to creep back in my life
and into what is the privilege of my friendship.

and i said NOOO NOOO NO (ala Amy Winehouse)

wouldn’t it be something, if you could just fuck someone over numerous times.
and then they could just be all ‘HEY, IT’S OK! Let’s be friends!’
wouldn’t that be something?

yea, not so much with me.

you really have to accept a lot of things as a new mother to remain in a calm state.
it’s probably important to think this through some before you actually have a baby.
i’ve thought about it for years and am STILL inspired to write about the craziness of it.

not only do you have to accept.
but you’ve got to be OKAY with it.
i have found joy in it, but you need to be okay with it, at least.

you have to accept that you may have to sit with her in your arms and pat her back for an hour because sometimes that’s what she needs to fall asleep.

you have to accept that the baby just may want to nurse for three or four hours today and there’s nothing you will do for that time except sit on that couch, maybe catch some interesting daytime tv, or read a magazine (or two!) or that she’s going through a gassy time and wants to be held a lot more than usual making it tough to do all those chores around the house you thought you’d get to. that hours of your day may be spent completely at your baby’s will.

you’ve got to be okay with the fact you just may not get that shower for awhile,
you’ll remain stinky and you may not get to eat a real lunch,
you may not brush your hair, put pants on, or get yourself looking remotely cuter for when your man comes home or UPS is at the door.

you have to accept that right now you’re blogging in a robe, soaking wet, with a towel wrapped around your head, but you needed to do something personal so used the time this way and are hoping for the best in the next hour.

you’ve got to realize that it may be really really cold to take a shower with the curtain open and the bathroom door open because you decided to shower quickly while she sleeps but placed the bassinet right outside the door just incase she needs you. let me just say…BRRRRRRRRRRRR

you have to accept that feeding her is more important than yourself at the moment, that whatever she needs comes first. yes, her laundry goes first and YES she just shit all OVER that cute little outfit you just finished putting on her.

people will tell you this over and over again. it’s one thing to hear it but the reality of it can be overwhelming. i can see why women get depressed or even resentful of their little one at first. i’m sure it’s especially hard if you didn’t really put it into perspective BEFORE the baby came. i mean, i thought about this a lot and i’m not going to lie and say i’ve been in a great mood every single moment.
i’ve had a couple of moments being frustrated and then realizing it’s fine. why isn’t she sleeping when she’s supposed to? why won’t she finish eating before sleeping, she’s going to wake up in an hour for more!? you know what, it doesn’t matter why — SHE doesn’t even know why! so you just deal with it..with a smile, i always say.

i find joy in it because this is what i want to do. i want to experience motherhood and dedicating myself to the life i’ve created completely. i’ve thought about it for years, this is the right time, and here i am living a non-selfish life.

but Word to the Wise: go deep inside yourself and reflect hard when thinking about motherhood. you don’t want it to be a slap in the face that drops you to the floor.
i once knew a girl who said she didn’t want children because she didn’t want to resent the child for not being able to buy herself a pair of Gucci shoes and she felt she would. i respect that because at least, she thought about it and knew where she stood. she was honest with herself and there’s no shame in that.

on a light note–

you also need to realize that he does recognize everything that you do and does find you beautiful with no makeup on and all that spit-up all over your shirt with your cracked and sore nipples.

you also realize that this is just Newborn time, soon she’ll be holding her head up and smiling at you.
imagine, she’ll hold her own bottle soon! there’s much to experience and spending your entire day with your baby while she’s a newborn really isn’t that bad in the long run.

it’s all good.

today tops them all on the emotional level.
after three weeks of getting to know one another, my angel acted different.
the last couple of days have been pretty heavy.
there’s been crying and wailing like i haven’t seen before.
poor thing, her lips quiver when she cries hard.
surely not cries of hunger (i’m getting to know those well)

we went to the doctor today and i realized something big for mothers.
if something is hard on your child, it is one hundred times harder on the mother.
the unusual crying already had me in tears, mind you, starting with last night.
i got very sensitive and would cry whenever she’d wail out and i didn’t know why.
(if you think you’ve seen me cry, man!)

back to the doctor’s–
because there was what looked like an infection, doctor says she wants to check her blood count.
the nurse came in to draw blood!!! boy, did my baby girl dislike this.
considering she was already cranky, the way she screamed while they took the blood from her fat toe nearly tore me to shreds.
it broke my heart into pieces.
the nurse passed me a box of tissues.

again, i cannot explain the feelings that run through me–
but to know she’s in pain or discomfort, to hear her cries, and to ESPECIALLY not be able to take it away immediately is one of the WORST feelings i’ve ever felt.

when i stop, i’m reminded of it and i cry again….
we got back, i put her down, and kept busy quickly eating a PB&J,
washing the dishes,
straightening up, pumping out a bottle for her next feed,
activating my new ATM card,
checking in on her constantly, of course!
call the doctor with “one more question” — and no matter what –
each time i stopped, i felt it again and let the tears fall. crazy.

one thing i CAN tell is that this probably stays with you as a mother.
i will always feel her pain. i will always want to take it away. i will always wish her pain on me instead of her.
motherhood is overwhelming.

like yesterday, after three weeks of twenty four seven bonding, i left her with my Bobe and went to my doctor’s alone. i didn’t really think about it as it was happening but as soon as i sat down to wait at the doctor’s office, i wanted to break down and cry! it felt so odd to be alone – i missed her so much! i couldn’t wait to get out of there so i could go see my little Lucy. i had even thought i would stop by a shop on the way back – yea, NO! i drove straight past everything, did not pass GO, did not collect two hundred dollars…NADA.
i later heard that THAT doesn’t go away either. that no matter how old your children are, you’ll wonder about them, you’ll always feel them when they’re not with you….
I BELIEVE IT.

THIS IS FOREVER.

i had actually fallen asleep in my hospital bed
i opened my eyes and turned to the window
there he was, sitting in the window sill with his little girl
i was so happy the camera was at my reach
he didn’t even notice my snapping photos

he stayed at the hospital every single night with me.

in moments like these, i fall in love with you all over again.

I JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED!!

i’m a bit shaken up over how lazy i’ve gotten over the past few weeks or so.
suddenly i’ve cut down to ONE yoga class per week. no walking. no thoughts about swimming.
i don’t feel like doing laundry, cooking for five (i have house guests), or mopping the floor.

i’ve been studying this but come up with many ideas.

it could be that East Coast Winter Thing. it gets so dam frigid and gray outside. who wants to go for a brisk walk in that? or even get in the car to go the Y? plus, the holidays hit pretty hard before you know it. Channukah hit at the beginning of december this year! by the time Moni’s birthday hit (Jan.fOurtH – it’s when i mark the end of the holidays) it’s no WONDER i’m pOOped! and why are the hOlidays so exhausting anyway? was i always this pooped afterwards or is that i’m pregnant and carrying an extra fifty pounds around?

speaking of pregnancy…could THAT be what’s got me dragging my heels? is entering the third trimester such a milestone that i’d feel it so? of course, we all know the women that worked out EVERYDAY until the DAY BEFORE they gave birth – or continued working their sixty-hour weeks, commuting into the city until the end while still taking care of their three other kids at home. clearly i’m not one of THOOOSE..

but then i thought, what’s so bad about wanting to sleep until eleven? i mean, i purposely set up my life so that i WOULDN’T have to wake up at five AM everyday to go work fourteen hours, didn’t i? i wanted to take it easy and here i am thinking i may be depressed because i don’t jump out of bed at seven. although there are the women lifting weights in my shoes, there happen to be many yogis and mommies that feel we should listen to our bodies and take it easy, enjoying the pregnancy to the fullest.
geez, my mom doesn’t think a woman should strain too much during her PERIOD! that may seem quite old school but it doesn’t seem so bad to recognize all that a woman’s body can go through in her lifetime, the strength we are born with, the hurdles we’re jumping constantly, while smiling and looking pretty the whole time!

nonetheless, i’m feeling lazier. i also realized i have not been getting ready for bed BEFORE midnight at all this winter. i’m not sure what time i’m actually getting to sleep, and let’s not forget the countless times i’m up throughout the night using the bathroom. i also get woken up by the baby’s incredibly sharp moves and then spend some time trying to ‘connect’… so maybe i’m just CATCHING UP ON SLEEP! so many people tell me to take advantage of sleeping and relaxing while i can, because once the baby is here – i may not be able get much of that! and maybe it’s just the Rest of the World that makes you feel that lounging around is a bad thing. i’m not pigging out or anything!

i still feel maybe i wouldn’t be so swollen if i was more active during these last couple of months.
i know i shouldn’t let myself get depressed (lord knows i can find SOMETHING) and perhaps once we’re alone in our new home, i can jump back into a routine or schedule to help me stay on track. find a middle ground.
get to a few yoga classes a week, at least! my work is certainly not that draining and it shouldn’t hurt SO much to get up and go the few times a week i actually go.

final thought?
maybe i’m not depressed OR exhausted – just thinking about it tOO muCh!!!