it was a rainy night this evening on the way to and from class.
i remembered i have a cd in the car that says
“In the Event of a Rainy Night – Insert CD”
i did so.
i hadn’t listened to it in a long time.
i have met some beautiful people in my life.
it was a perfect rainy night.
considering the lack of entries in 6 weeks, it’s safe to say this path has gotten quite consuming.
the move is finally over. (for the most part)
i must say i hope there isn’t another move for a very long time.
moving while pregnant – NEVER again.
unfortunately the move was truly exhausting & stressful.
not only were we stressed to get out in record time, but also hit a financial slump in the midst of all of it, most likely DUE to the distraction of the move ITSELF.
needless to say, emotions were running rampant & out of control for all of us.
aside from the emotional weight dancing through the dust particles circling the frenzy, the physical drain was a brand new experience.
they tell you not to “strain yourself” & that you should “take it easy” and you think it’s just because you’re in a delicate time and what-not. but your body really doesn’t let you get away with doing everything you were able to before embarking on this journey. physical activity all day without a break in the middle actually HURTS towards the end of the day. there’s been moments where i would weep over the pain. (weep emotionally, too, of course)
plus, it’s hard to watch your strong, willing, & patient man push himself to the limits of handling almost the entire move, while you just CANNOT help as much as you wish you could & you know his torn ligament must be aching. it tears you up inside.
SO we both pushed ourselves to our own limits, we both hurt & wept, we grew weary & hungry, we slept little & bickered often. and these moments are merely just leaves from the enormous, continuously growing tree of life. it feels to huge at the time, the moment you’re in…soon enough, though, our eyes open wider & there is much more to be seen. to live. to feel.
i don’t know that that will ever change how deep we jump into our moments. even though we become more and more conscious as we grow, sometimes you just can’t help but put your soul into the matter at hand. i am okay with this. i won’t be heartless & i don’t want to be.
but OH, dear friends, we’re here. as the bank account starts to balance up and the baby grows bigger & heavier, we settle into our new home. our first home that we’re making as family.
and i find myself, still, on the path. i am still on it, i just got distracted by the snowfalls, icy roads, leaves falling, & shiny stars.
after a lovely mediation (inspired by Ivy) in what is to be the baby’s room very soon: i brought my focus back. found myself on the same path i’ve been on, cleared the roads and fog to see some of that path ahead. i’ve said it before & will say it many more times i’m sure: the StRaiGht N naRROw is an adventure of it’s own. it’s a beautiful life. imagine living it while creating it.
sometimes it is so beautiful & i cannot contain all the love inside of me and i just want to burst. i cry for the beauty & the feeling of amazement with the life we’ve all been blessed with.
i only hope to spread the love & peace. i will not be selfish. i will be open. i will be one heck of a mother.
i am still not able to describe the feeling of having life growing inside of me.
most of the time, it just makes me cry.
like when i look at these pictures.
(sometimes it’s hard to really see details, i had to have it all pointed out to me a few times first!)
these were scanned at approximately 17 weeks of life.
in this next one, you can see a leg and if you look closely – a fOOt!
here…the hands and leg aren’t as clear, but you can really see the shape of the face.
the forehead,
the nose,
the lip and chin.
so amazing….
i find these so scientifically amazing that i could get such a glimpse into my womb.
i keep getting told of the newest technology in 4D imaging to REALLY see EXACTLY what your baby looks like. i’m actually okay with this right here. 🙂
Belit says “G-d would’ve given us transparent bellies if we were supposed to see that much!” (so cute)
I just think there’s something to be said about the bond in feeling eachother. getting to know the precious little pelotica through the energy we’re exchanging. i’m sure i’ll take a GOOD look when i give birth.
but these truly move me still.
if there’s a time to be on the east coast, it is definitely during the autumn season.
i had forgotten how beautiful it is to just stand outside during this time of change.
in this part of the globe, it feels the entire world is changing – and it isn’t just the appearance…it’s the coolness that arrives, the wind that stays constant, the amazing colors that leave you speechless, the shiver down your spine that spreads endless amounts of energy throughout your whole body, the crystal clear cycles of the moon and a sense of mystery that shifts with every swirl of leaves that literally fly into spontaneous directions.
how appropriate that during this time of change and clearness so brisk that i should settle into my new path & my first Saturn’s Return. the path into motherhood & a break from a career that has consumed a lot of my attention & energies for the past 10 years.
would anyone have believed it?
all those times i claimed i would leave the industry?
the many claims to the day that i don’t do it anymore – did you believe them? did i?
how many times did the grass seem so greener when i’d say “being a mother and a housewife sounds pretty good right now” ??
whether we believed it or not, that time is now.
and how did alleycat end up on the Straight & Narrow?
the most obvious is the pregnancy. but the one i haven’t shared with most is the new job.
it’s been hard to face with everyone for it is different in so many ways i had to come to grips with it and fully understand before letting others see.
i left my executive-bound job without really knowing where i was going.
only knowing what i didn’t want right now. only turning from where i DIDN’T want my energy to be. when a posting on craig’s list not that long after brought me to where i am today. Managing a Yoga Studio.
it’s a part time position that pays nothing.
i’d rather not compare the difference in my income.
we are moving out of montclair so that we may be able to buy our baby some clothes or maybe food, more importantly – a house.
i think living in a building and shlepping groceries, laundry, and baby in an elevator will really help me appreciate the house that much more. pulling into our own driveway will feel so good after a couple of years of parking in the lot and walking around to the main entrance of the building (with a million things in arms)
the point is that life is mellow now. it’s positive and full of light.
i go to the grocery store during the DAY. i make dinner nearly every day at a reasonable hour (most of the time) and my work is now full of OM. =)
i had started going to pre-natal yoga when i found out i was carrying my baby.
it really helped me see and feel life in a new way. especially my relationship with the munchkin. (we love eachother already!)
Then the job opportunity came and everything just felt right.
the Straight & Narrow is an adventure in itself but it feels amazing.
it feels like a new high never felt before. a new place in life but where everything i’ve lived and felt and grew into comes into play.
this is me now. i cannot tell you about me in a few months or me in a few years.
but now is good.
well, it appears some folks may actually be reading this on the regular.
for you, I tell you – it’s coming.
recent transitions in my life have needed a good month of wrapping my head around it all before I can even express. believe it or not, getting pregnant and switching gears to the “Straight N Narrow” while going through Saturn’s Return can be quite intense for this here alleycat. alleycatz finding a warm fire and STAYING THERE – for a change.
but yes, the time is here, new entries are coming to catch you all up to speed, with pictures and all.
luckily i just got off the phone with moni and the giggles just don’t stop with her and that mood can really stay with me for the rest of the night…
i just realized how verbal i can be when i’m not paying attention.
perhaps i’ve always been that way and never noticed, or it just started.
nonetheless, i was just in the shower and couldn’t help but think of that moment when farley is in the airplane’s bathroom in “Tommy Boy” and he’s making all that noise!
because THAT WAS ME just now in the bathroom every time i dropped the soap, or hit my elbow, water turns cold, almost slipped on the wet floor, my towel was wet! hilarous. there was a grunt or curse for every move.
i cracked myself up thinking about all the noise i was making by simply taking a shower.
WE MISS YOU CHRIS FARLEY.
one of the recent milestones has been the man moving in.
many of the girls have asked how that’s gone.
my answer has very often been “there’s boy stuff everywhere”
besides your typical toiletry items in the bathroom & numerous televisions;
there’s also a Playstation, a gym in the basement, and a LIZARD!
this item has gotten quite the reaction so I thought i’d post a picture of our new friend.
(courtesy of Aaron y Alonso, recent Costa Rican guests….Gracias!)
WELCOME TO MONTCLAIR, FAT GUY!
the gOOd news is i went to DMV today with my brand spanking new insurance cards and FINALLY got the registration part done! i’ve got NJ plates and guess who’s got her car back! after a month of borrowing, walking, & busing – that’s good news to me!
i’ve been in the middle of this blog about the natural high i’ve been on.
how euphoric life has begun to get as i head into our second trimester.
but before i could finish that entry, i had to interrupt myself because this afternoon i can’t stop bawling. we all know how emotional i am as it is. everyone is asking how bad the hormones have been because they know i ALREADY cried everyday!
so here i am once again telling myself that i won’t let things get to me. i won’t cry. i’ll be me and live strong to my word and feelings. i fucking cry every time.
family dramas, chats with mom & sister, and now dealing with my boss’ outbursts that’s got me muttering about calling my boyfriend in complete hysteria because i hate my job.
i’ve seen him turn on people a lot through our long work history together. and i’ve always tried to be in the middle and see both sides. i’ve always stood up for him because “i know him”, “oh we love him”, “that’s just his way”. but boy, when you’re on the other end of having things turn so abruptly it can really be painful. for me, anyway.
Jen is helping me realize that he is NOT a man of his word, but rather a man of his MOOD.
think about THAT for a minute.
it’s so interesting to me.
it’s amazing this concept of creating illusions to be your reality. from spoiled kids who have lived in a bubble their entire life with no concept of the real world to a man with a good heart but serious emotional & psychological issues to work out while he runs a business in the most high stress, high money making industries – people can live in their own illusions while the rest of the world looks at them like they’re crazy. some live it day in, day out. this guy has moments. run by his mOOd.
i’ve always tried to look past it and take the person for who they are. but he, by being a man of his MOOD, reacts on feelings and projects his feelings in a strange & obscure attack on ME or whoever the person is at that moment.
in the ten years of my career, he has been the most difficult to deal with. you would think someone who has watched you grow in your career, has built up a relationship with you (personal & professional) would be the person to treat you with the most respect. but instead, i’ve gotten treated better by supervisors i’m working for for the VERY FIRST TIME.
i’m really venting right now. feeding my own emotions out there. at least i don’t project them at a person. i may be overreacting but today i was accused of using him and of not being loyal. that probably hurt the most because if you knew what his ammo was, you’d see how unfair it is.
Jen has been great to shoot this shit with. there’s not too many people out there that I KNOW who’ve known this guy for such a long time but also understand this business and its ways.
it’s a crazy crazy place i chose to live in 10 years ago; but it seems it’s hard to live anywhere else. maybe the PRoS outweigh the COns. it sure is nutty when at the same time i’m dying to be Domesticated to no end with a baby on the way. I thought today that I’d rather be broke and home baking apple pies with all these fucking apples i picked on sunday then to swallow all this shit for a big fat paycheck afterwards.
i have to wonder, though – could it be that i’ve always been dying to be Domesticated just because it’s the greener grass on the other side of the fence?
how do we figure stuff like that out before taking the plunge?
[siGh]
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN GIVEN THE EVIL EYE FOR MISSING A WEDDING OR FUNERAL (OR TWO) !!!!!!!
THANKS FOR PLAYING THE GAME OF LIFE.
aLLeYcAtz iNsiDes 