Tag Archives: emotional

there you were

whilst I was ranting over unsettled fantasies and silly tales of children, a man of truth crept up slowly.  you aligned yourself quietly; weaved around the gibberish and drunken woes and snuck in through the back door. I sobered up and went around checking that all the doors were locked (as I do), and there you were.  there you were, in all your brightness, like a strong beam made out of all the elements, shot down from heaven and straight for my heart.  one shot and graceful substance was felt and known by both.  one shot and I was blown away to the places of dreams and open hearts.  so here you are.

here you are, with no fear; strong and mighty with the gentlest of hearts.  brave, driven, and masculine with romantic dreams cared for deep beneath your unbreakable walls.  however, not too deep, that vulnerability will not be seen in the presence of proper company.  not so deep to let fear keep your dreams hidden away.  instead, ready to share your dreams fearlessly with hope.  ready to hold my hand and jump into the unknown valiantly, with no looking back, and not a plan in sight.  but take my hand, you probably will.  because no matter how nuts I may seem, you hold me in your powerful arms and smooth out the creases of my endless anxieties.

there is no trepidation towards eachother, only the concern, or straight-up terror, of jumping without clear sight of the terrain on which we land on.  this fast moving train most likely will not stop just for us.  shall we jump?

train-jump

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letting some shit out

what’s wrong?

Nothing.  Just letting some shit out.  I thought it was you at first.  We had gotten off the phone and I realized that you haven’t said anything about ANYTHING.  So I thought I needed to cry you out.  Let you go maybe?  So I did for a minute..  I put on the right music into my headphones, and cried as if it was all over.  It felt pretty good, but I felt that wasn’t it.  So I danced. Once again, I put on the right music, started dancing, thought of you, smiled, and you were a happy place once again.  So definitely not you.

So I came upstairs. Looked at the picture of my cousin, who’s been dead over 10 years now – but still feels like it happened yesterday.  I told him I missed him.  I wished he was here.  The more I talked to him, the more I cried.  I just know that he would try to tell me what to do about things.  Give me advice about that guy I really like but jumped too fast.  Tell me how to deal with being a full time employee for the first time in my life. He’d probably be right, whatever he’d say.  He’d make me laugh.  We’d smoke a dutchie and stay up all night talking deep shit.  Then I really let it out again.  But now, what the fuck right? Just a weepy mess!

I walk into the bathroom, place my hands on the counter, and stare at myself and ask myself that same question, “what. the. fuck.?”  I say to myself that whatever this shit is, let’s let it out.  And FINALLY I realize… I’m on my rag in 4 days!!  Ha!  For a long time, I’ve had my monthly cycles under good control.  The date, the duration, minimal “syndrome.”  One in the same, I have my hormones pretty well under control as well.  I just have to catch them when they’re running a muck.  I never said I wasn’t emotional.  But I am very self aware, and I’ll figure it out.  I just hadn’t thought of why I’d be feeling so extra sensitive.

So I’m not sad or mad about you or him or this.

I’m just extra emotional right now.  Period.

My feelings are heightened.  My heart is wide open and my tears flow easily.  So yea, I might ask myself “shit, is this it?”, “will you still love me tomorrow?” and cry at the thought that maybe that WAS it.  But last week when I asked myself that same question, I answered “who cares?!”  Because I really don’t care.  Life is good.  But when my feelings are heightened, just the thought of things make me cry.

Some days my insides are just heavy.  It can be anything that gets to me.  I can think about you. About my mother or my dead relatives.  My childhood, my job, or my anxiety — and cry it out.  Because most days, I go with the flow and try to be light.  But it’s because I aim to stay so true to myself that I HAVE to let it out on heavier days.   Otherwise I wouldn’t be letting myself be true.  Be me.

Hormones are a son of a bitch, yes, but if you just look at them when they’re up in your face.  When they are flying through your system, catch them, see what they are, and stare right back at them.  Face them and feel them because they’re a part of you.  You’ll wake up more peaceful and with a wiser heart.  I know I will.

The more settled and peaceful your heart is, it’s the better you that you offer the world.

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part 2

sunset dance

 

here we are.

don’t worry about what to do next;  or about telling me when you’ll call.

i want you to call me when you feel like it; when you have something to say; when you want to hear me laugh; when you want to listen.

what happens next?  whatever comes next, that’s what.  no need to commit to a plan that has to be.  expectations aren’t fair to anyone.

don’t wonder if I’m thinking about you, because I am.

i have no idea how to do this, either, but i’m in.  i won’t be afraid. let’s dance.

all you have to do is stay in it.  ride with me. don’t let go.

 

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how DO yOu DO it?

This gallery contains 2 photos.

the next time someone asks me “how do you do it”, I’m going to say I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE! that’s how! so don’t ask! Granted, I know people mean good by it.  I get it a lot from people raising kids with a partner as in, “I can barely do it and I’m… Read more.

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them there eyes

couple-look-in-your-eyes-love-romantic-smile-Favim.com-132164

“i fell in love with you the first time i looked into…them there eyes…”

But after that you would remain a face to the fantasy in my mind.  It was safer that way.  I couldn’t get disappointed or heart broken.  I could keep my vulnerabilities to myself.  I could keep making up everything you say to me.  I could keep telling myself that my beshert is probably on the opposite end of the globe.  Because that’s how backwards my life has been.  Besides, I’ve always felt I was destined to walk alone.

If you don’t know what you’re missing, it is easy to keep your heart safe, be happy for others, and always wonder.  I do.  I wonder.  I am not particularly jealous.  But sometimes I’ll watch a family eating together at synagogue and I will stare and wonder.  I just wonder what it’s like.  When someone tells me she is pregnant again, I wonder what it’s like to announce that happily with someone.  Wondering has been okay.  It’s okay because when I snap out of it, I am still happy and grateful for all the blessings in my life.  After all, who could take away my quiet nights by the fire writing or reading?  My hikes with the dog?  Uninterrupted movie time. Being a mother.

Your face can.

My day dreams about what it could be like can definitely distract me.

Your anonymous face, however, kept my daydreams safe and my heart romantic.  Again, if you don’t what you’re missing, right?  Life doesn’t hurt.  I don’t get sad or lonely.

You have ruined that by entering into my life.  Now I know I’ve come across something I may actually want.  Now I have something to yearn.  Memories to cherish.

Thanks.

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I Don’t WANT to be Impressive

 

When people began learning about my divorce, there had been a constant sentiment coming from people.  Friends kept telling me that they were proud of me.  What!? Me? Why?

What is there to be proud of?

Proud of choosing the wrong path?  The wrong guy?  For staying static for too many years?  Proud of putting my children through some intense scary shit? Of ignoring the red flags that have been waiving in front of me for years? Of settling? I certainly did not feel very proud at first.

I mean, I know what they meant, of course.  It takes a lot of strength to make a decision with such unpredictability.  I suppose you need chutzpah to start all over, especially with little ones.  A lot of us stay in unhappy relationships or situations simply because it is easier.  It is easy to settle into being content.  It’s cheaper and “might as well” right?  Because we all know going down the other road is going to be emotionally tough, financially straining, and down right scary.  Their pride in me, though, showed support and made me feel strong and able to take on anything.

So I took that confidence and pride, the anger I was feeling, and allowed my logical brain to take over for a while.  My heart has gotten me into enough trouble and it felt as though my head had my heart in a choke-hold…So no one saw me cry.  My children saw silliness, tasted delicious meals, and woke up smiling.  I would smile big and work hard at the office.  I took all my strength from the deepest parts of me to get through court hearings, attorney meetings, debt collectors, police visits, maintaining my cool, facing foreclosure, and to pray as hard as I could.  Honestly, I had been doing alright, considering all the factors, here.

Because sometimes shit feels so heavy in your soul, but somehow something else inside you tells you that this is right.  I know somehow that I am doing the right thing.  Don’t ask me how.  Even though it hurt SO much a lot of the time, I knew it was right.  I knew that I deserved the best.  That I will NOT go down like this.  I will not let myself sink into contentedness when instead, I can grow and live.  Live outside the box of Maybe and head into the space of Forward.

So the other day, my friend Malina says to me that what I was doing was “brave and impressive” (via text).  Right there, in my car, at a red light, I literally screamed out “I don’t WANT to be impressive!!” I probably sounded like my kid when she doesn’t want to take a bath or put on her shoes.  If I wasn’t driving, I probably would have stomped my foot while I said it.  I turned into a 5-year-old and the tears ran down my face all the way home. Truth is, we can only carry our own personal world on our shoulders for so long before you want to take that thing and throw it as far away from you as possible. You don’t even want to see it.  Because even though you know it is right, it just feels so unbelievably impossible.  It is beyond exhausting.  I’m tired of being strong and keeping cool.  That’s just as exhausting.  I kept my cool for a long-ass time and right there I let myself lose the cool…and let it all out.

So as I pack up the house, crying with each book or frame I pack, with melancholy nostalgia and hopeful excitement at the same time:

I don’t feel like making you proud.  I don’t want to be brave and I do not want to impress you.  I want to lay around in sweatpants with a bottle of whiskey and a joint and cry over a boy who broke my heart.

BW-cry

 

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women don’t know what they want?

you think women do not know what they want?
how about they do?

how about when you thought you had everything you wanted
and everything you wanted turned to shit?
everything you thought was the dream, faded.
left you floored, in a million little pieces.
and then you realize maybe that’s not what you wanted after all.

so then you think you’d rather be alone right?
yes, that’s what you want.
walk your own path, live it how you want to
without anyone getting in the way
nothing distracting you from finding and sharing the light.
because why live a broken heart SO MANY TIMES?

and at the same time.
the SAME time.
you know that deep deep down
past the toughest of attitudes
the strongest of walls
beneath the most positive sense of humor
and light searching soul
you know that you do not want to go alone.

does that mean i don’t know what i want?
if you think so, then you don’t know shit about a woman’s heart.
and you certainly don’t know shit about mine.

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Punches from the Past

There are many times you might bump into someone you have not seen in a while, or get a random email nicely written from someone you never hear from. Many times, we say that was a blast from the past.
My past lately likes to sucker-punch me. I get my past punched in the face with a dash of emotional bruising.
Punches from the past keep me from slumping down into a monotonous emotional routine.
Punch me in the face to remind me of how much i have yet to process.
I preach the importance of processing life’s events so as to not fester.
Yet, this year I have found plenty left unprocessed in the depths of my heart.
Perhaps leaving that much about my past buried deep enough I would not have to face it in the mirror, has brought me so many punches this year.

They are punches rather than memories because I sometimes have to face unpleasantries. Some of my own doing. But to move forward I have always found it necessary to dissect myself. But where do we draw the line? Where do we begin to become obsessive and unable to function in the PRESENT. At what point do we decide there is nothing can be done. Because in actuality, there IS nothing can be done.

How many times can I tell you I am sorry?
You show up in my facebook messages.
Show up on my set.
In text messages with beautifully written memories of me.
What to learn, what to learn.

I cannot run from you again. I have been punched and confronted so as to face you.
Do I tell you I wish I could do it all over again? Do I dare, when wishing for that could erase so much of my present? But I have run and hid. I have run without looking back.
It is time to look.

Oddly enough, much of this surge began around the time of my spiritual new year (high holidays) and here at the closing of 2012, I try and make sense of it by writing a senseless blog entry that no one will read. So, my Logic and my Heart CAN be in sync. Somewhat.

Past, can we be friends?
Do people truly move on? Do I?
Because what I would really like to do is punch you right back.
Tell you to get the hell out of my face and never return.
But now that would not be very mature of me, would it?

Angry or not, I look for you in those messages now.
I look for you on my phone. I close my eyes and see your face.
I pour a glass of wine and pretend to call you.
I smoke a cigarette and have a conversation with you.
And until I can make sense of all of these memories, feelings, and fears –
I will try not to become overwhelmed with the emotion and continue to pray for peace.
I will give you my genuine self as I always do.
But could you please stop punching me so hard?

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MY HEART GREW & SO DID MY STRENGTH

when my first baby was born, i remember being so awed by how much i loved her. i even apologized to my man when i’d say “i have never loved ANYONE or ANYTHING like i love this baby”. i am sure any mother can agree with the amount of love that comes with giving birth to your first baby. during her first few months, i blogged about the love, i wrote her letters, and i could not stop staring and gazing at her. it was typical behavior you read about anywhere. it was typical mushy for me.

out of left field, i find out i am pregnant as my precious angel is turning two. i find this out after we had agreed to wait at least a year and then discuss again. after we agreed to both work really hard and save some money for a year. i find out after i “missed a pill or two” says the doctor and “that’s all it took”. yes ladies, definitely take as directed or you can find yourselves in the .1% that gets pregnant while taking the same darn pill you have been taking for over ten years.

oddly enough as the pregnancy started to settle in, i began to worry about my motherly love. i actually worried if i would love this baby enough. why? because how could i love anyone or anything as much or more as i loved my first baby? i remembered how i felt when i saw my daughter for the first time and thought i would not be able to share that love. that there is no room in my heart. it was such a strange feeling, i am having a hard time describing it.
i am sure it also did not help that this baby was SUCH a surprise. that the tension in my relationship was unbearable. (i mean, the guy is pissed!) that i honestly did not want to be pregnant and felt really guilty about even having those thoughts. the pregnancy had definitely started off on a bad note. with that rough start came some denial. and it was when that denial finally started to wear off that i began to analyze my love and how fair i would be to this new baby. it hit me so hard that this was actually happening that i went from Denial to Fear. Fear of ALL of it. Every single aspect, every moment, every thought – I was scared of it.

looking back now, it seems almost ridiculous. what happened when my second baby entered this world was that my heart actually grew. i now love two precious angels, equally. my heart grew to be twice as big. i literally have double the love in my heart for these girls. i would give anything to see them happy, to see them protected, to see their every desire or need fulfilled. giving birth a second time was just as overwhelming as the first time, but twice as hard because it was happening AGAIN. because my heart had to grow to receive her.
-i am going in circles with unexplainable emotion- it was Intense. my heart grew.

with two little babies to protect and love, i grew stronger as well. i had not thought of that before i had her, either. while the first few months of my first baby were spent melting over her and the experience; the first few months of my second baby were spent with much worry and anxiety for she was born with an ailment. her first bump in the road presented itself immediately. fortunately, her bump in the road was not life threatening and a plan was made to remove her ailment (BH). plans did not go exactly as we had planned, as we would expect from life, and i prayed for strength. i feared being such a sensitive, emotional mother would not be helpful in the experiences to come. to be in the hospital at the bedside of your infant you just gave birth to. to hand your infant over to nurses and later witness her wake from anesthesia. for rushed trips to the emergency room without a way to explain things to my older daughter. how would i go through it all without breaking down on a regular basis?

well i did. with each step of the way i grew a little stronger. then a little more.
at first the tears would spill over uncontrollably. eventually i could control them from spilling out and they would linger around my eyeballs. i learned to not cry while i nursed her so she would not feel any anguish. i learned to wrap her in warmth love and positivity instead. then i learned to keep it all in my throat even though i sometimes felt i could not breathe – but i did not want my older daughter to see any of it on my face as i would turn away from her baby sister. at least no one could see how badly i was choking at this point.
i am happy to report that at our last visit to the doctor with both babies crying and our new nanny on her first day in the room – i did not shed a tear and i did not lose my breathe. i stayed at the side of my upset infant and purposely looked at my other daughter straight in the eye so she would know that everything was okay and she need not feel worried or scared.

i do not think i am less emotional or less sensitive. i still feel everything and anything around me, especially if it has to do with my family, but i have strength to control. these experiences really do make us stronger. i am stronger now to be alone with my girls while their father leaves town for work and they both get sick, and of course i am sick now too. of course, these weeks without him only make me stronger for the next.

i will not doubt or fear my strength as a mother again. i am still scared shitless of what is coming – but i have faith. i have seen my heart and my strength grow so much in only a few months that i have to lift my head up high as i face the rest of my life as a wife and mother of two.

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no clichés

you are 18 months already and i am 30 years old.
“they grow so fast”, they say. yes, they do – but only as fast as time “flies” on a regular basis. time is flying only because it’s been so amazing.
only because each day is more beautiful than the day before.

i could sit here and break my writer’s block with an entry filled with details on how quickly the time has gone, and how i blinked and she was so big and chatty that i do not know where the time has gone. but honestly i have been as present as i could be every single day.
i have jumped into the intensity of each day with my heart wide open.
i have done my very best not to miss a single beat; to catch every moment that i could.
if i missed my family for two days straight, i make the next two days feel like four.

in truth, she is quite different than she was 18 months ago and it is truly magical to watch a person be born and grow while you guide that being with no real knowledge of what you are doing.
(she’s actually getting real funny. my kid makes me laugh – what a joy)
and my family has, in fact, made a move to the west coast creating more intensity to life.
but i do look forward to tomorrow the same as i looked forward to today and yesterday.
i try and remind myself to stay in my body and not lose myself in the intensity of life and mayhem that is my emotional body. i continue to wear my heart on my sleeve as it keeps me true.
i continue longing to be in fifteen places at once as everyone’s family grows and as everyone grows farther away in body and mind.

in this new year (where i didn’t even attempt to find services to attend) – i wish for everyone’s family to continue to grow. with so many families growing and “starting up” by so many people i know – i can only shed tears of joy, long to be there with you, and ask G-d and the universe to bring you peace always. good vibes for good people!

L’Shana Tova

I will keep catching up with me here soon…

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