what’s wrong?

Nothing.  Just letting some shit out.  I thought it was you at first.  We had gotten off the phone and I realized that you haven’t said anything about ANYTHING.  So I thought I needed to cry you out.  Let you go maybe?  So I did for a minute..  I put on the right music into my headphones, and cried as if it was all over.  It felt pretty good, but I felt that wasn’t it.  So I danced. Once again, I put on the right music, started dancing, thought of you, smiled, and you were a happy place once again.  So definitely not you.

So I came upstairs. Looked at the picture of my cousin, who’s been dead over 10 years now – but still feels like it happened yesterday.  I told him I missed him.  I wished he was here.  The more I talked to him, the more I cried.  I just know that he would try to tell me what to do about things.  Give me advice about that guy I really like but jumped too fast.  Tell me how to deal with being a full time employee for the first time in my life. He’d probably be right, whatever he’d say.  He’d make me laugh.  We’d smoke a dutchie and stay up all night talking deep shit.  Then I really let it out again.  But now, what the fuck right? Just a weepy mess!

I walk into the bathroom, place my hands on the counter, and stare at myself and ask myself that same question, “what. the. fuck.?”  I say to myself that whatever this shit is, let’s let it out.  And FINALLY I realize… I’m on my rag in 4 days!!  Ha!  For a long time, I’ve had my monthly cycles under good control.  The date, the duration, minimal “syndrome.”  One in the same, I have my hormones pretty well under control as well.  I just have to catch them when they’re running a muck.  I never said I wasn’t emotional.  But I am very self aware, and I’ll figure it out.  I just hadn’t thought of why I’d be feeling so extra sensitive.

So I’m not sad or mad about you or him or this.

I’m just extra emotional right now.  Period.

My feelings are heightened.  My heart is wide open and my tears flow easily.  So yea, I might ask myself “shit, is this it?”, “will you still love me tomorrow?” and cry at the thought that maybe that WAS it.  But last week when I asked myself that same question, I answered “who cares?!”  Because I really don’t care.  Life is good.  But when my feelings are heightened, just the thought of things make me cry.

Some days my insides are just heavy.  It can be anything that gets to me.  I can think about you. About my mother or my dead relatives.  My childhood, my job, or my anxiety — and cry it out.  Because most days, I go with the flow and try to be light.  But it’s because I aim to stay so true to myself that I HAVE to let it out on heavier days.   Otherwise I wouldn’t be letting myself be true.  Be me.

Hormones are a son of a bitch, yes, but if you just look at them when they’re up in your face.  When they are flying through your system, catch them, see what they are, and stare right back at them.  Face them and feel them because they’re a part of you.  You’ll wake up more peaceful and with a wiser heart.  I know I will.

The more settled and peaceful your heart is, it’s the better you that you offer the world.