HIGH HOLIDAYS TIME, 2008

i had saved Rosh Hashanah in the nick of time with a delicious homemade apple pie, great friends, my husband and a bottle of wine.
A week later it was time for Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
I have to say I was quite enthusiastic this year for the holiday. It is not a very “festive” holiday, per say, but I was looking forward to it nonetheless.
I think it is important to take the time to reflect on ways we can be better people; talk to Gd about the wrongs you have done, reflect, repent…this type of prayer and meditation helps us become more aware of ourselves and helps us grow.

So I tried on clothes and chose two outfits for temple, marked my prayer book, prepared candles, and called the local temple to confirm times for service.
Here is where things went sour – I was informed that services were for MEMBERS ONLY and if I was not a member, I would need to PURCHASE a ticket for services. At what cost? Two Hundred and Fifty DOLLARS! I thought that was crazy and proceeded to call the rest of the temples in the area only to find that this was the case EVERYWHERE. There I was, broken down into tears, trying to find a service I could afford. Who has ever heard of that?! Shopping around for religious service…one woman even said to me that she had the “best price” – that I would not “find anything better”…!

yes, i cried. i cried every time i hung up the phone and picked it up again.
it was such a sad moment. i could not go to service because i couldn’t afford it. everywhere – one hundred fifty, two hundred, two fifty…
is it just me or is this just not biblical or spiritual?
i was so disheartened. i could not believe this type of thing happened in Judaism. i’ve always heard things about other religions and perhaps the lesson is that i should not have judged other religions. i suppose i did not realize it’s all the same everywhere.

i was so disheartened.
i lost all enthusiasm.
i start to question all the rituals. i haven’t lit Shabbos candles.

the whole time i was preparing for Yom Kippur, i was praying and meditating, going over the things one goes over during this time…
people i have wronged, judged, or disrespected —
lost my temper, lost control
…
so i didn’t enjoy a service with others, with community.
i didn’t hear any sounds from the shofar
i focused but not long enough.
but who is to say that it was not long enough?
i know Gd hears me
my thoughts

my atonement.

i am not sure where i am going with this experience.
but it was sad.
so very sad.